Conversations can be divided into verbal and physical. There is also non-verbal communication, which includes eye contact, facial expression, and body language—and typically accompanies verbal communication.
In the category of physical conversation—I include physical play, physical roughhousing or fighting, and physical intimacy. Physical intimacy can include not only sex, but also non-sexual touch between friends and family such as holding hands, a hug, rubbing someone’s back, stroking hair, etc.
We have become a culture that very much elevates verbal communication. A culture that goes to talk therapy, writes prolifically on blogs and social media accounts, debates and explains. The refrain “use your words” has come to be a general rule of thumb. The progress we have made in verbal communication is admirable. We have recognized the importance of give and take (listening and speaking); we add nuance through the non-verbal; we know that authentic, genuine communication is most valuable; and we can flow from the polite and professional to the deep and emotional.
What would it be like to bring that same respect and consideration to physical conversation? First, by simply recognizing and prioritizing physical conversation. Understanding that it is available to us in our close relationships and sometimes might even be the better way of communicating.
We are generally good at recognizing this with young children. We hug and hold children. We rock babies and toddlers, stroking their hair and wiping their tears. We reach for children’s hands regularly to cross the street and sometimes just to hold.
Adults are really no different than children. At any present moment of time, we are a child of that moment. Holding hands is a beautiful form of communication. Like please and thank you, it’s rarely wrong to reach for someone’s hand and it is the type of thing that can do so much to communicate love, consideration, support, concern, and friendship.
It’s worth talking about sex and the idea of kinkiness. I think of kinky as the ability to have a variety of sexual conversations. As in verbal communication it’s not great to only be able to argue, or teach, or discuss superficial topics like the weather, Tahoe, and kitchen renovations. It can be similarly limiting to be trapped in a single particular type of sex or sex role.
Most types of verbal conversations, can also be sexual conversations. We can argue, negotiate, listen, explain, engage in the polite and superficial, go deep and emotional, even run through logistics. This flexibility to have the conversation relevant and necessary to the moment, I call being kinky. Sexually, that can look like taking a more dominant role or a more receiving or following role, a “quicky,” romantic vulnerable sex, playing pretend, sex that is passionate or fitful and arguing, slow and searching, silly and childish, tearful and remorseful, sex that incorporates toys or accessories or sex that focuses on a particular body part. There’s even a place for boring sex!
Over the course of a long relationship there are many different types of verbal and sexual conversations that are necessary and helpful. And communication can flow seamlessly or fitfully between the two. In meeting new people or in embarking on new relationships, there are particular types of conversations that generally work well to start with but depending on the moment in time and the two people involved, a first verbal or sexual conversation could look any number of different ways.
Just like with verbal communication, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes you don’t understand each other at all! When that happens, maybe you move on and maybe you give it another go.
Holding hands is almost always good.